i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch