your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS