It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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