one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
