True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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