I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
