It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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