4 words: hood of his car
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
