I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
