You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
