I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
