My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
