I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
