you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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