new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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