Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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