Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
