I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
