i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
