i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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