i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
