How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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