I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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