if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
did i walk over a car last night?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
