I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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