The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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