shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
