she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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