the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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