the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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