is your mom at the bar?
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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