im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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