By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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