What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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