I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so let's talk penis.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
