3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
"it" just moved
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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