I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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