dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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