Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
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Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
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Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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