I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
