There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
