i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
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how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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