She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
