Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
