I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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