Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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