I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
