You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
