how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I forget how to act sober
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