im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
