So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
