So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
