Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Dignity is for republicans.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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