had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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