remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
