Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
