It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
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