I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I wish there were birth control emojis
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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