Jerry, you need to find god
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
