Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
