Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
