I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
